If you surveyed a hundred people on how they define “listening,” you would probably get close to a hundred different responses, ranging from “doing as you’re told,” “making eye contact,” or “taking in information.”

That is because “listening” is a process highly dependent on individual styles and experiences.

What one person identifies as a need to listen might be distracting for another. An environment that is good for one listener might be over- or underwhelming to another. How one person might move while listening could be how another person moves when they are off-task.

Listening looks, feels, and even sounds different for each person, because each brain takes in, holds, and processes information differently. Listening involves our whole body interacting with our surroundings in a variety of ways based on how we experience, perceive, and exist in the world.

Listening is everything we do–and don’t do–to effectively take in information from a communication partner.

What Listening Is Not

Listening is not just hearing. Hearing is a passive function of our ears, which receive sounds and sends them to our brain to be sorted and processed. Hearing is a mechanical process of converting sound waves into information. Hearing is only one part of listening for (most) people.

Listening is not an observable behavior. Listening happens within our brains, and therefore can’t be seen or pointed out to children. So often, we (adults) teach children that listening means following a specific pattern of observable behaviors: eye contact, voice off, body still, etc. This approach only teaches children a set of behaviors that help make (many) speakers feel heard, and fails to recognize what each individual learner needs to be an engaged listener.

Listening is not a practice in compliance. Listening is not doing as you’re told, conforming to arbitrary standards, or complying with demands. Listening is not reliant on extrinsic conditions, nor does it improve at the behest of authority figures.

Listening is not performative. When children learn to perform adult-defined listening behaviors–rather than learn the listening process–it in fact prevents them from developing true listening skills. Listening does not rely on the outward interpretations of others; yet when we define it as depending on the performance of specific behaviors, we teach students to focus their energy on appearing to listen, rather than the act of listening itself.

Listening is not for the speaker’s benefit. People often categorize someone as a “good listener” based on how much the listener’s behaviors make the speaker feel heard–which often mimic the behaviors they themselves show when they are listening. But what makes a speaker feel heard does not always align with what allows a learner to listen.

So…what is listening?

To listen is to hear and understand. It is taking in, processing, and applying information. It is active. It is a process. It relies on the skills of interoception, reflection, and advocacy. It involves creatively adapting our personal listening process to honor the needs of our community. It is the foundation of learning and communicating and connecting. And it begins with regulation.

What is the listening process?

The listening process (as defined by author Joseph DeVito, 2000) has five stages: receiving, understanding, remembering, evaluating, and responding.

When someone communicates with us, the information gathered through our senses (typically hearing and/or vision) is received by the brain.

Our brain then works to understand that information by assigning meaning to individual stimuli.

It then has to hold multiple pieces of information (remember) long enough for us to see how all the pieces come together (individual words forming phrases, tone impacting meaning, etc.).

Our brain then works to evaluate the importance and value of the message, which is influenced by our personal experiences, biases, neurotypes, and communication styles.

Finally, our brain decides how to respond to the information it has received: nodding in agreement, ignoring and walking away, adding commentary, asking a question, etc.

Throughout this entire listening process, our brain is also working to manage the body’s needs through our nervous system: breathing in and out, coordinating motor movements, activating appropriate muscles, continuing basic organ functions, sorting incoming sensory information, and other important functions.

What does the nervous system have to do with listening?

If your nervous system becomes overwhelmed while you are trying to listen, the brain will shift its attention to self-preservation through the sympathetic nervous system. This interrupts the listening process and prevents our brain from processing the information it is receiving.

However, people can learn tools to recognize when it’s important to enter into a state of self-preservation (sympathetic response) and when to calm their sympathetic nervous system (parasympathetic response) when it is activated unnecessarily. This is called regulation.

Different brains respond to stimuli differently, so what triggers a sympathetic response in one person may not trigger the same response for someone else. Learners need practice developing regulation skills in order to become stronger listeners so that they can successfully support their body’s nervous system throughout the listening process.

What does regulation look like for my learners?

Put simply, regulation is the process of navigating our emotions, energy levels, attention, physiological needs, psychological needs, and sensory needs. It involves responding to the information our brain receives from our body.

Regulation includes going to the bathroom when you need to, taking a deep breath when you feel stressed, getting a sip of water or a cup of coffee when you feel drowsy, standing up when your back is sore, twirling your pen when you need to focus, or connecting with a loved one when you feel lonely.

People learn regulation skills through exploration of their sensory experiences, observation of their peers, modeled strategies by trusted adults, and direct instruction.

Regulation begins with co-regulation, where a trusted person provides grounding support to a dysregulated person. It can sometimes include self-regulation, where a person develops the skills necessary to meet their own regulatory needs.

Why is regulation the first step in the listening process?

In order to listen, we must be in a mental space of safety; have met our body’s needs in order to limit distractions and roadblocks; understand what our brain needs to process incoming information; and have the cognitive capacity to hold, sort, and apply that information.

Regulation is a multifaceted concept that involves and relies on many underlying and prerequisite skills, such as sensory processing, situational awareness, motivation management, and emotional awareness.

Regulation as it relates to listening has four primary components:

Interoception: interpreting and understanding the sensations your body is sending your brain about its needs, wants, and responses
Reflection: determining what you can do with the information your brain gains from sensations
Action: doing something to meet the needs of your body and brain, based on the information from your sensations
Advocacy: telling others what you need from them in order to take action to meet your needs

In order to help cultivate active and involved listeners, we must begin with building strong regulators. When we teach learners to listen, it is imperative to focus on the role of regulation within and throughout the listening process. Regulation is a skill that people learn and develop throughout their lives. By practicing and modeling these skills on a regular, daily basis, learners can determine what works for them. Those who practice regulation regularly become listeners who regulate more naturally. When regulation becomes an everyday practice, listening becomes an everyday skill.

What Does it Mean to Listen?